Too much room to grow?
A general rule of thumb for (indoor) gardening is to avoid planting in a pot that is too large for the current root system. It is best to only upsize by small amounts at a time to avoid stunting growth or root rot. Today, as i stood in the shower, I could not stop thinking about all of the times I have felt like I “failed myself” by not reaching goals or being ‘successful.’ I then began thinking about the grace that i give my plants and wondering why I’ve never loved myself the way i love them. Maybe these goals that i set for myself are larger than life. I’m not saying that having big goals is a bad thing because it is far from it; but having expectations to complete these goals in an allotted amount of time can cause more harm than good.
I can’t remember a time in my life where I didn’t have some sort of expectation or pressure looming over me. As the hyper perfectionist, control freak, and stereotypical virgo that i am, it has always felt like even the smallest of tasks had to be coordinated and perfected.
I have struggled with my mental health for most of my life. From as far back as fifth grade i distinctly remember a crushing pressure to excel in school. As a “gifted” child I received awards and recognition for my academic achievement. i Performed extraordinarily in school through middle and high. My mom would use me as an example to my siblings and say things like “why can’t you be more like your sister” etc. This is all positive reinforcement, but i didn’t truly realize the long term effects this would have on my own self image until very recently.
All of the celebration for my good grades and behavior motivated me to stay on track. I remained in honors and ap classes through the entirety of my education; however, i had developed a crippling need for validation and overwhelming insecurities.
Lately, I have been going to therapy and I am learning so much about myself. It’s hard for me to confidently post a blog on the topic of mental health because I myself am not completely healed. It is also horrifying to be vulnerable - especially on the internet. I keep reminding myself that life is a journey and growth may feel slow but it NEVER stops. It only moves forward.
Something I am working on is allowing my emotions and thoughts to be more fluid and to flow through me as opposed to overpowering me. Acknowledge the emotion, feel the feeling, and move on. Oftentimes I allow my emotions to dictate my life and waste my days. Breaking that habit has been so tough and every single day I am becoming better at seperating myself from my thoughts and emotions.
I recently watched a tik tok video (get ready to hear this multiple times throughout my blog posts) that said something along the lines of “You are not your thoughts. Your thoughts are NOT factual. You don’t have to agree with or believe your thoughts.” You are how you react. You are your actions.
I have never thought of it like that. There’s so many things that I tell myself that i have genuinely believed my entire life. I find myself constantly overthinking how others feel or feel about me. When you take the time and the steps to really observe your thoughts and disprove your negative thoughts rather than accepting them as facts - life gets easier. Things don’t feel as heavy.
Another tik tok that helps me change the quality of my days said “it’s not that serious.”
Take a second and absorb that phrase.
it’s not that serious.
You can read that with emphasis on any of the five words and it can apply to practically every stressful scenario in your life. Not to say that there aren’t horrible, painful things that should be taken seriously, because there are. But, if you take the time to see the light as often as you can, even the worst of things can be managed in a healthy way. Despite what you may think, YOU are in control of your life. Every choice you make, shapes the outcome of your life. The way you spend your days is the way you spend your life. Every second counts.
I’m not here to pretend like i don’t have horrible lows because i really truly do. I have experienced so much sadness and loss in my life. I have ghosts that haunt me. It feels like my brain is working against me. Guilt weighs on my heart, Yet it still beats. I can see the beauty of the world everywhere i go. I can breathe clean fresh air. I have a beautiful family and i am surrounded by people who want to see my succeed.
Gardening is grounding yourself. Gardening is reminding yourself that you must nurture and care for the seeds you plant in your life. Gardening is my way to connect to nature and to make myself proud. I love my plants like they are my tiny little beautiful roommates. I encourage everyone to find an outlet, anything that makes your life feel more…. good. Do something you’re passionate about in your free time. Go do something you are afraid of. Life is fleeting.
I’m sure I will delve more into mental health and finding peace as I continue on this journey to better myself. That’s all for now. Go do something fun with somebody you love, or with yourself. You should be somebody you love too ;)
